i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
