grandma shit on top of the toilet
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
