She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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