somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
