They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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