the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
