he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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