I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
