to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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