Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
