put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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