so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
