he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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