He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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