On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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