it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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