my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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