where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
