I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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