we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
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I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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