Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
