What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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