I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
