how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
