you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
