you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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