i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
