Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
