More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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