i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
