I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
