This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize