You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
