i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
