She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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