I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
