Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
