Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
