i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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