On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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