I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
