The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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