explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
