i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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