whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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