I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
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believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
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It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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