Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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