I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
