My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
