Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
