alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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