I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
