I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
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Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
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I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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