I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
